Taken 3 – It was the Bagels

Have you have witnessed something that was so bad it was good? I have. I just saw Taken 3 the other day and I have to say, it was one of the best times I’ve had in the movies. I was so involved and humored. I’m sure the other audience members got a little tired of Matt Brown and myself yelling at the screen and laughing, but screw them. How could they possibly think Taken 3 would be good? When has the third of anything been good? At the very least, the third movie in a trilogy is always always worse than the second (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, The Godfather). That is except for Indiana Jones trilogy (the fourth is not a thing, it never happened), all of those films are perfect, I don’t care what you say.

Geez… Indiana Jones makes me think of how much I still enjoy action movies. When I was younger, action flicks were all I would watch. Depending on my mood these days, not much has changed. I still like going back and watching through James Bond movies, and the Terminators, and of course Die Hard. Sure, these films are cheesy or whatever, but they are damn entertaining. Recently…not so much. And I don’t really have a problem with Taken or Liam Neeson in general. The first Taken was a great PG-13 action flick. It was fun in places and dark when it needed to be. It was a damn near perfect popcorn, action movie. But as of recently, it seems the action genre has caught AIDS or something. They are so bad these days, that I am forced to enjoy them sarcastically. But sadly, they are rarely THAT bad, they are just mildly, boringly bad. It takes rare putrid gems like Transformers 2 or Brick Mansions to truly laugh out loud at the absurdity on the screen. Believe it or not, Taken 3 has out done Brick Mansions in terms of stupidity. Brick Mansions has been laid out like Sonny Liston and a new silver screen, heavyweight has been crowned: Taken 3. It may be one of best, horrible movies out there, and goddammit is it fun.

I suggest cracking open a few beers and seeing this movie slightly inebriated. I mean being buzzed or even full on drunk makes everything better, especially funerals. I see a good Budweiser Super Bowl ad in the making.  Anyways, get a couple friends together, drive to the show, or just wait for it to come out on DVD and prepare to laugh. This is Liam Neeson’s funniest film since Schindler’s List.

This movie cuts three times a second in an attempt to make Schindler not look like an old man. It didn’t work. Can he stop doing action movies already? Can we allow him to be in serious dramas again?

As a testimony to this movie’s ridiculousness, I offer an example from one of the earlier scenes. This sentence is your spoiler warning.

The cop who is tasked with solving Liam Neeson’s wife’s murder (Forrest Whitaker) enters the crime scene. Her body lays on top of a blood free bed. Her clothes show no blood along with her skin. And her throat is cut! There is merely a thin line drawn across her neck. I’ve cut a lot of female throats in my life and trust me, the aftermath looks nothing like Taken 3‘s portrayal. So anyways, Forrest Whitaker notices some bagels on the table, so he eats them. (This is just one of the many retarded decisions by this “character”.) He eats the bagels at a crime scene that belonged to the victim or could have belonged to Liam Neeson, who is the main suspect for the murder. Anyways, later in the movie, when Liam Neeson obviously proves his innocence and kills all of the bad guys, Forrest Whitaker lets him go because of the bagels. “It was the bagels,” says Whitaker. No. Seriously. He says exactly that. He claims that the bagels prove Neeson’s innocence because, “who would buy bagels when they are planning to kill someone.” Bagels. Fucking Bagels. I called it in the beginning too, ask Matt Brown for confirmation. As soon as that dumb cop took a bite out of the bagels I knew they would use them as some sort of way to prove Qui Gon’s innocence.

That’s how dumb this movie is. It is so dumb, yet so great. You can’t help but laugh as the actors stumble through the most cookie cutter, emotionless dialogue in all of cinema. You have to crack up when the awful CGI cars inexplicably explode, or when Neeson poisons his pregnant daughter for no reason in one of the most convoluted, unnecessary plans of all time. HE LEAVES A NOTE ON HER DRINK THAT SAYS, “DRINK ME NOW.” HE HAS POISON IN THE DRINK SO WHEN SHE GETS SICK SHE WILL USE THE RESTROOM AT HER SCHOOL. HE IS THEN WAITING FOR HER IN THE RESTROOM OF THE SCHOOL WITH THE ANTIDOTE. WHY NOT JUST LEAVE A FUCKING NOTE SAYING, “HEY MEET ME IN THE BATHROOM AT THREE” INSTEAD? WHY WOULD ANY HUMAN BEING THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?! WHY?! Oh and after he meets with the daughter in the bathroom he paralyzes the school, rent a cop, security guard… for no reason. That’s how this movie can be summed up. Unnecessary damage, for no reason. There was no reason to make this movie, but fortunately, with enough alcohol and cynicism, laughter can be a reason to watch it.

This movie is great through the sarcastic lens.

With the artsy, movie dick up my ass I would have to give this “film” a rating of 2/100. Yeah, it gets a two percent. But from the “so bad it’s good” perspective this movie is near perfect. Just remember, it was the fucking bagels.

NO! But seriously, why do shit movies like this continually get made? Why?

Oh… right. The same reason for everything.

… $